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are you to blame for your daddy issues?

Yesterday was father's day and given that my own relationship with my dad is less than perfect i decided to refrain from the usual male bashing that this day brings on. Instead i just sat back and let the great dads wallow in their shine. After all the ones who actually step up and do their job deserve it and given the number of people i know with daddy issues, it's my opinion that the #greatdadsrock movement is one that should be encouraged at all costs. Even US president Obama agrees, he launched the "Year of Strong Fathers, Strong Families" initiative yesterday with this awesome website - fatherhood.gov

these ads for encouraging spending time with your kids are the cutest! SA department of social development take notes please

But unfortunately my 'hug a dad today' glow of positivity came to an abrupt end when i logged onto the social networks yesterday to find an onslaught of hate being thrown at deadbeat dads, and useless babydaddies. Of course there were also loads of messages of love for supportive fathers but it was to me anyway rather surprising just how many people clearly had issues with their fathers or the father of their children. Even worse was just how much anger in general the subject of fatherhood could unleash, if you don't believe me just search the #DaddyIssues  and #mydadgetsnocall TT on twitter!

But funnily enough the first thought that popped into my head when i read all this was - it's 2011 folks, how can there still be this many women choosing to sleep with and bring children into the world with deadbeat men?! Call it anti-feminist all you like but i truly do believe that in a post birth control generation (can you believe that the pill was introduced in the 1960's) there is actually no reason why we shouldn't be choosing better partners with which to procreate with. And no i am not saying that the responsibility lies soley with women to be good parents, and yes i do believe that in most cases deadbeat fathers deserve the hate they get. But if we can drive cars, go to the moon, vote, pay our bills and buy sperm surely we also have the power to prevent the cycle from starting in the first place!

Exhibit 1. the sms that Zola 7's baby mama no. 2 Garnet allegedly got from him when she asked for child support. Translation: "wasn't it you who opened your thighs, bitch" - like really gal was being with a kwaito star worth it?  

Think about it: even if every man on earth was a complete F-up we as women could still control whether or not they become fathers. By not sleeping with them or at least by not bringing children into the world with them we could bring the cycle to an abrupt stop. It's us who have the ovaries, we're the ones who hold the power as to who will provide us with their seed. Situations like rape aside, it's not an un-realistic scenario - women only choosing the best men to father their children...can you imagine how quickly the world would change if men had to be better people in order to get laid!

Exhibit 2.  christina milian: who could have saved herself a lot of tears by keeping her pants on...The Dream, girl!?...really?!

Is that yo daddy baby violet...SMDH!

In the animal kingdom it's called survival of the fittest, like the lioness who only mates with the strongest males in the pride, i don't see why the human race can't adopt the same principles. And i'm not talking about these male created ideals of strength as defined by aggression or political and economic power. I'm talking about men with morals, strength of character and belief in the family values that are best for the child (yes un-African or not i do mean monogamous and faithful partnerships) and respect for the woman who bears their seed. Those men with integrity plus the financial and emotional means (ie kiss, feed, love, clothe, hug and educate) to raise strong well adjusted children.

Exhibit 3: So call me judgey...but no Lauren London I do not think being Lil Wayne's baby mama no.4 was the best way to bring a child into the world (there's another non celeb mama not pictured).

Fact is as women we have long used our bodies and sexual power to get what we want, from Cleopatra, to Marilyn Monroe to Monica Lewensky history has taught us that the right set of bosoms has the power bring down an empire. So if our loins can break up marriages, bring about wars and can get a girl a paid up apartment at the flick of a weave why can't they choose a non-deadbeat daddy for your kid?
 

baby mamma 1 (2 kids)

baby mama 2

Exhbit 3: a strong talented woman with a life many would kill for, chose to use her power how?...she used it to give her son the kind of Dad who would father a child with another woman while his wife was pregnant...slow clap for Ms Keys!

Fact is i'm not a mother so i probably have no idea what i'm talking about and i'm probably too young smart and privileged to understand how hard it is for many poor impoverished woman out there to find a good man - hey even a millionaire's daughter like Sonono Khoza had to settle (even if it was for a president). Or maybe it's just time for us to stop making excuses mistresses! We know we hold the power to change the face of fatherhood if we wanted to. And it doesn't lie in making your ex pay, taking your husband to the cleaners or not giving him visitation till he does what you want - it's as easy as saying NO to the useless swagger of tall, sexy "i don't intend to commit but i know how to give you an orgasm" that's all up on your BBM right now!

things to do on tuesday now that intersexions is over

Like most people in SA up until this week every Tuesday you'd find me glued to the HIV edu-drama Intersexions on SABC 1. So it was with a heavy heart that the fans of this brilliant show had to say goodbye to undoubtedly one of the best series to ever be produced for welfare tv - like in forever!

If however you were under a rock and missed it...
 

you can check out the rest here

So this afternoon as I pondered a Tuesday night without my fave show it dawned on me that what had happened with Intersexions was pretty epic!

It's hard to believe (but reassuring) that we the (predominantly black) youth of South Africa spent the last few months actually actively engaged in HIV activisim, with our blogs, tweets, taxi debates and water cooler conversations we spread the message and engaged with HIV/Aids and hopefully contributed to a change in attitudes and maybe, just maybe even behaviour. That's the power of great storytelling...

The eternal optimist in me also believes that as awesome as what happened every Tuesday for the last few weeks has been there is also no reason why this culture of activism has to stop so I compiled a list of things you could do every Tuesday (from the comfort of your home) that could potentially change your world.




1. Rent Yesterday
Like Intersexions it's a movie that brings the reality of HIV/Aids home in a real way. Better yet why don't you invite those imbecilic friends, cousins, boyfriends etc. who still refuse to get tested over for a viewing party - we'll call it pursuasive entertaining.

2. Host a charity dinner
I've always loved a good meal and friends gathered around a table! But why not take it one step further and do it for charity. Instead of bringing a bottle of wine why not ask your friends to bring old clothes, blankets, pet food whatever, and donate these to a local home or charity. With winter upon us loads of people are collecting for various causes. Better yet you can integrate your adopted charity into the theme of the party e.g. a book club night with an actual book drive, a sushi party in aid of Japan or soup mixer to raise funds for a soup kitchen! (yes I was an events manager in a previous life). The ForGood website is a great resource for finding charitable organisations in your area.

3. Ignite the social flame
My new buzz word is social entrepreneurship: the idea that an individual can become successful but on the way there raise her  village too is fascinating me, so I've been doing some reading and researching on the subject and found these two books that are my definites on the  "recommendations for getting inspired list":

Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell 

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind: Creating Currents of Electricity and Hope by William Kamkwamba, Bryan Mealer

 

4. Donate a klipa

The Lonely Road Foundation always does such awesome work (their founder Thabang is a GQ Best Dressed Man - yes I would have noticed). This year they've taken it upon themselves to provide each of the 2500 orphaned and vulnerable children they work with at Ga Dikgale Community (that's in rural Limpopo), with a good quality, warm blanket and a snood (scarf and beanie in one) - yes warm and on trend these kiddies will be - I love it! All they need is for you to give a 100 bucks by clicking here. Thanks to internet banking you can do it while you snuggle up under your warm blanket tonight!

 

5. PVR it 

Bhambatha: War of the Heads, Mzansi Magic Tuesday the 19th at 21:30

I'm a typical zulu girl obsessed with culture and particularly historical documentary (nerdy much). So I'll definitely be trying to catch this one plus I believe knowing about your past is the gateway to smartness. So open that door who knows what great ideas to change your future could spill out.

Okay , that's all I can think of for now. That should keep you and me busy for the next few Tuesdays, right? Till the withdrawal symptoms wear off. If they haven't by then, check on this blog again, who knows there might be another inspiring blog post next month :)


Or then again I might just be bitching about the state of womanhood as usual...

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music lives

I've been hearing a lot of noise about the modern music scene being dead or over... usually these kind sentiments tend to come from the old folks whose time of having an opinion on what is hot or not is over anyway so I usually don't pay it no mind. But after catching the amazing video for Katy Perry's ET today (one of the best songs and videos of the year in my humble opinion) I felt I had to defend today's music...

There is so much great music out there particularly from female vocalists this year...so in this blog I weigh in with some examples of just why the future is so bright!

My first love Adele. Someone Like You is the greatest heart-break song ever written.

Adele is one of the most critically acclaimed muso's of the last few years. Her music is so timeless  you tend to forget that she's only 23 years old. Her first album 19 was phenomenal and her second 21 even better - they belong in everyone's music collection - that's all.


Second on my list is a young lady who crept up on me 'cause I'd come across her songs but didn't know who she was till she won a Grammy. She's played the violin since she was five years old,  is a phenomenal double bassist was accepted as a student at USC by age 16 and is currently part of their music faculty. Now at 23 years old she is the 2011 Best New Artist - bow down for the jazz hotness that is Esperanza Spalding!

Say what you will about her, but she really is the only girl (in the world), to have achieved seven number one songs on the Billboard pop chart that is. I have such respect for this girl's amazing pop culture icon status. She is just so NOW! Like Eminem made it cool for white boys in hip hop, Rihanna broke down the barrier between r'nb and pop and opened the door for black girls to reach Madonna status without having to sing in church first!

This David Guetta track feat Rihanna Who's That Chick just so represents what she stands for!

I have had a long and often abusive love affair with r'nb but not since the hey days of mariah, lauren and whitney has a singer given me a rise like this. Melanie Fiona like Drake and Justin Bieber is also from Canada (who knows what they put in the water), and her debut album The Bridge is a classic that I'll never get tired of listening to. 

 Never Coming Back is the first single off her new album - no release date yet - I can't wait! 


Like everyone else I got over the Lilly Allen's and Duffy's pretty quickly so imagine my surprise when English song-writer and popstress Jessie J entered the scene and I became absolutely obsessed. Not sure how long it will last but for now she's made me forget about the tcha-tching-tching and she's got the world dancing...

Pricetag feat. B.O.B her other single Do It Like A Dude is also very cool 

Sorry, but do my curves offend you?

"In this world, when a girl’s called ‘beautiful,’ sometimes my reaction to that is: In what terms? In fashion terms? Beauty pageant terms? Real people terms? I wish I could just say, ‘She’s beautiful,’ and leave it at that,” V Magazine creative director Stephen Gan

DISCLAIMER: this blog is for all the girls without a fast metabolism, whose bodies don’t fit into sample size, who weren’t JUST born athletic or genetically inclined to skinny anything. This is the blog post for girls who will gain weight if they just look at a cupcake the wrong way, whose bums’ unapologetically hug every outfit. Yes this is the blog for those girls with one or two dimples on their thighs…(okay maybe three)!

So before you right me off as a bitter fat girl hear me out…

As the editor of a magazine targeted at young girls most of my day is spent reinforcing the belief that no matter your body shape, skin colour or hair texture you are born good enough. The by-product of this should ideally be a super natural level of body confidence, and steel-like resistance to the proverbial “beauty ideal BS” spewed by TV shows, fashion magazines and the like.

But sadly I’m not immune to the stupidly unrealistic levels of perfection that women in particular are expected to live up to (or at least aspire to). So over the last few months realizing that I’d overindulged in way too many burgers and sav blanc evenings I began on my new lifestyle. I call it a lifestyle because I realized as a size 12 girl that I was never gonna be able to rock a bikini with confidence without some serious sweat! So thanks to Virgin Active I’m a few kg’s lighter but most importantly I’m healthier than I’ve been in years and yes I’m walking around with a little extra swing in my taut round derriere.

So you’re probably wondering why would I be spewing all this body bile.

Well, I still have a few gripes: the first of my fat gatvol-ness came with the realization that even if every over weight woman in the world were to get to their healthiest body weight it still would not be good enough. Why? Because we have been brain-washed into this notion that rounded hips, robust thighs and a rotund butt are anything but normal.

Little known fact: if you’re thick and pear shaped, no amount of dieting or exercise will get you a slim n’ lean like Zoe Saldana or athletic super woman like Cameron Diaz bod. In fact trying to get there will probably lead you down a dangerous path to life long body issues. 

 

Even tennis champ Serena Williams admits to trying to diet her thick ass away - just cause her body wasn't seen as mainstream pretty

My second gripe is with this word curvy! As an African woman (big asses ain’t anything special South of this continent) all this curvy body celebration that get’s thrown around feels a bit like a special needs euphemism to me. Like being pretty or talented despite not being a size 0 is some kind of great achievement. Though I love these girls I even hate the way Amber Riley’s confidence, Jenifer Hudson’s weight loss and Kim Kardashian’s ass are toted out at every opportunity to show the world that big girls have a chance too. What I hate even more is how a magazine will put an obese girl on their cover in the hope of getting some ‘look what we did for the regular people badge.’ Oh and my personal pet peeve: the more than one carrot a day servings at fashion events - as if this were some sort of a ‘solidarity with the mere size 10 mortals’ statement. 

Kim Kardashian works her curves

Glee star and hot tamale Amber Riley in Essence mag (see more here)

Interesting that both these mags felt the need to have alt. covers featuring thin girls for their Gabourey Sidibe issues  

Shoot me down if you must but I am fed up with people using the big girl as a fashion or political statement. Worse still when media outlets do tote out an honorary curvy girl for beauty purposes it's some warped store mannequin version of a real woman. For example I  do not consider Halle Berry to be curvaceous and no, lil’ girl Barbie is not a body type either! 

Halle Berry a beautiful slim woman

Furthermore I believe that photographers who refuse to shoot with bigger models should be castrated and these fashion houses who send out size 6 sample sizes when the brief is for ‘real people’ really need to look up the word ‘normal’ in the dictionary.  And to those model agencies who try to sell a size 8 girl as full figured, you know what you can do with your plus size division.

What's even sadder is that it's not just us trivial media types who have lost the plot. The world in general has become so used to seeing Jennifer Aniston’s personal trained 40-year-old body being paraded about that we’ve actually begun to believe that’s it’s completely natural for a middle aged woman to fit into a 12-year-old’s shorts.

42-yr-old Jennifer Aniston in a fragrance campaign looks like prepubescent child

Taking this degradation to the next level we now have to contend with the sickening racial body stereotyping that has begun to enter our collective psyche too! Suddenly it’s become totally okay for large bootied, booby black girls to be beautiful - but only in the context of an ulta-sexualized toy-thing image. I mean God forbid a girl with Amber Rose’s proportions should actually dare to be taken seriously as an actress or be accepted in high fashion circles! Worse still if she can’t even sing! So basically it’s okay to be curvaceous as long as you only flash your bits in music videos, or on the cover of Maxim. No one said you can’t be a size 14 actress but you need to be satisfied with the funny girl supporting roles or becoming a crude art-house film anomaly. If however you have any ambitions of becoming a sexy mainstream Hollywood starlet or romantic comedy lead make sure you google Blake, Anne, Julia and McAdams before you apply.

plus size model Toccarra regularly appeared in men's magazines, doing more catelogue work till she lost some weight and now she's walking runway and appears in the latest Vogue  Curvy (yes you heard right Vogue Italia has a website for curvy fashion - how special - find it here)

 

kelly osbourne was always a thick girl - her reward for becoming skinny? a clothing endorsement for madonna's new clothing line!

 

Basically what I’m try to get at (in my own bitter convoluted chocolate starved way) is that with so many kinds of beauty out there it’s a stupid, sad and very petty situation that something as affirming as being considered beautiful should come down to such a narrow ideal. Every healthy size should be celebrated and every body shape should be acknowledged in a real way.  And by this I don’t mean that condescending once a year body issue we magazine types are so fond of. 

I'll forgive V Mag 'cause this shoot is haute...but really?!

 So say it with me mistresses: REAL is not a dirty word, NORMAL is a standard we should want to live up to and a FULLER FIGURE is not a disease we need to be cured of.

And that’s the end of my big girl rant! *cue the “I’m a supermodel but I have body issues too” stories…

“I’d like to see everyone take on the attitude that there are women of all different shapes and sizes as `the beauty ideal,’ and that it’s not one type or another. There are women who are naturally a size 2 — you can’t forget them, and that’s discrimination the other way. All women bring something different to the table and we have to appreciate them" - Plus-Size Model Crystal Renn and author of “Hungry – A Young Model’s Story: Appetite, Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves”.

ON A SIDE NOTE: I hear Chanel Iman is eating herself silly trying  to gain weight because everyone (including me) has been complaining that she's too skinny to be a Victoria Secret model. In the spirit of acceptance I will leave this gorgeous poor girl alone because A cups need love too!

its not okay...

A 15 year old girl had sexual intercourse with two boys aged 14 and 16 on school grounds while under the influence of a mind altering substance in front of a cheering group of other teens who then recorded the incident on their cellphones and distributed it via social networks.

These are the so called facts, this is all that now remains after all the speculation, out cries and legal wranglings of the past few weeks since the infamous Jules High School Sex Scandal emerged.

I for one find it hard to stomach that the statement above is all that remains; that this will be the only warped remainder of what was once known as the 'truth'. I know I'm supposed to feel some sort of closure now that the whole sordid thing is about to be wrapped up in a nice judicial bow. I know I should be grateful that our justice system has cleared up any confusion about it 'not being rape'. And I know I should praise the wheels of justice that have been set forth, the ones that now wearily creep towards a politically acceptable conclusion. I know I should let it go because after all - those aren't my children, siblings or friends. Why should I be giving myself indigestion about it? It's not like I can stop kids from having sex, downloading porn or drinking themselves senseless and engaging in orgies.

But I can't let it go, all that keeps going round and round in my head is: where does this leave one times girl 15; now branded a lying, drunk, whore? What happens to the boys aged 14 and 16 who'll forever be known as those alledged gang rapists?

Well if newspapers are to be believed they've all earned themselves a one way trip through SA's court system, via diversion, with a free mandatory stop in government counselling. And while they do their time we'll continue our lives, tut tutting on our soapboxes about 'the plight of our youth' and 'the despicable state of the public schooling system'. But for all intents and purposes this case will soon take it's place in the dark archives of "Eish! The kids of today..." with no solution in sight. 

I don't know if it's because I work with young people everyday but at this point all I want to shout is: STOP, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS NOT OKAY...

You know what...I don't think it will ever be okay, for those who participated, for their parents, their siblings and close ones. It will never be fine for those who saw, cheered and downloaded. For the teachers who turned a blind eye and officials who leaked info on a minor's case and the journalists and public who devoured every word - none of them will ever be okay again. That girl with her shame splattered all over the internet for one will never walk tall again and how will those boys ever grow into strong, respectful men of worth with those sexual antics now having taken their place in the cell phone porn hall of fame?

They will never be okay again and neither will I...
 
My mind now lives tainted with the acceptance that drunken underaged sex on school grounds is a part of modern day dinner table chat. My moral fibre must now stretch to accommodate that drunk girls can have consensual sex. Furthermore this revelation must share a place in my brain with jokes about kangas and zuma's Aids shower cure. The idea that children have the capacity to find entertertainment in sex acts (to the point where they'll record and sell them online) is now as much a part of my digital revolution as the Ipad.

The sick poison of acceptance has begun its infection of my brain, and I feel helpless to stop it.

So NO mister lawyer man, you are wrong what occurred at Jules High School was rape, a societal rape...we were all raped as a nation. Raped of our morals, raped of our sense of compassion and ubuntu, raped of our sense of right and wrong and worst of all our children were long ago raped of their innocence and yes we did nothing to stop it...

and that is NOT okay! 

woman is the new black...

I love it when the universe conspires in such a way that all the cool like-minded people are on the same wave-length, some call it the zeitgeist. The current one eludes to the dawn of a new era for humanity. Along with the rise of new super powers and the coming African age, it appears that women have become the new black. Even business manuals now talk of the 'Feminine Power Principle' that embraces womanly leadership styles. Where in the past being emotive, sensitive and inclusive in the workplace was looked down upon, now CEOs worldwide are paying thousands for courses on how to release their inner warm and fuzzy.

For more on this trend see link below
psychologytoday.com asks are we entering the age women.

I'm no psychologist or business guru so i won't get onto the whole new world order trip, my main interest in the subject is in the way it's affected the male/female power dynamics in my own life and what that means for my unborn sons. With the rise in popularity of grooming lines for men, man-bags and guy liner it would appear that modern men want to be, er, women!? So as modern woman who have fought long and hard for the recognition of feminine things this is a trend that we should be grateful for, right?

singer, seal sporting on-trend nail varnish

pharrell and his man bag

The truth of the matter though is that women have been working so hard to fit into the male mould for so long that eventhough they appreciate the prospect of partners who can cook, change nappies and see the value of a facial, most don't actually know what to do with such a man once they have one. Take Victoria Beckham, poor girl's husband is so pretty that their marriage has turned into an episode of style wars - where Becks is winning by leaps and bounds against his now near skeletal plastic barbiesque partner. The hotter he gets the thinner she becomes, the more botox she gets and so the story continues...

For some women having a man who is sensitive or dresses well is intimidating. I for one love well-groomed guys, but then again I can totally get with the metrosexual backlash. Fact is if you want a stylish man you probably need to be an even more stylish lady. Further more if he's good looking you had better be prettier than he his, and don't you even think about slipping up in the grooming department! I have to admit that just looking at this year's GQ's Best Dressed Awards feature set me off on an insecure mani/pedi binge.

my faves:

Themba of Darkie

Tyrone, private banker

I mean if this is the modern man style barometer, where does that leave us the at-least-one-fashion-faux-par-a-week set. I'd need a whole new wardrobe, a stylist and a personal shopper to even begin to compete with these guys. In fact I know a lot of girls who'd rather have a guy who dresses like a Bloem farmer than one who shares your moisturizer. Don't even get me started with the ones who want to cry during The Pursuit of Happyness - now if we're both reaching for kleenex, who does the comforting? It's all just too confusing if you ask me.

So basically, next time you want to complain about how old-school gender roles have ruined your life think about this....without that macho male in your life you'd have to kill your own spiders and start your own braais and having done both i can tell you this mistresses - they really are jobs best left to men!