its not okay...

A 15 year old girl had sexual intercourse with two boys aged 14 and 16 on school grounds while under the influence of a mind altering substance in front of a cheering group of other teens who then recorded the incident on their cellphones and distributed it via social networks.

These are the so called facts, this is all that now remains after all the speculation, out cries and legal wranglings of the past few weeks since the infamous Jules High School Sex Scandal emerged.

I for one find it hard to stomach that the statement above is all that remains; that this will be the only warped remainder of what was once known as the 'truth'. I know I'm supposed to feel some sort of closure now that the whole sordid thing is about to be wrapped up in a nice judicial bow. I know I should be grateful that our justice system has cleared up any confusion about it 'not being rape'. And I know I should praise the wheels of justice that have been set forth, the ones that now wearily creep towards a politically acceptable conclusion. I know I should let it go because after all - those aren't my children, siblings or friends. Why should I be giving myself indigestion about it? It's not like I can stop kids from having sex, downloading porn or drinking themselves senseless and engaging in orgies.

But I can't let it go, all that keeps going round and round in my head is: where does this leave one times girl 15; now branded a lying, drunk, whore? What happens to the boys aged 14 and 16 who'll forever be known as those alledged gang rapists?

Well if newspapers are to be believed they've all earned themselves a one way trip through SA's court system, via diversion, with a free mandatory stop in government counselling. And while they do their time we'll continue our lives, tut tutting on our soapboxes about 'the plight of our youth' and 'the despicable state of the public schooling system'. But for all intents and purposes this case will soon take it's place in the dark archives of "Eish! The kids of today..." with no solution in sight. 

I don't know if it's because I work with young people everyday but at this point all I want to shout is: STOP, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS NOT OKAY...

You know what...I don't think it will ever be okay, for those who participated, for their parents, their siblings and close ones. It will never be fine for those who saw, cheered and downloaded. For the teachers who turned a blind eye and officials who leaked info on a minor's case and the journalists and public who devoured every word - none of them will ever be okay again. That girl with her shame splattered all over the internet for one will never walk tall again and how will those boys ever grow into strong, respectful men of worth with those sexual antics now having taken their place in the cell phone porn hall of fame?

They will never be okay again and neither will I...
 
My mind now lives tainted with the acceptance that drunken underaged sex on school grounds is a part of modern day dinner table chat. My moral fibre must now stretch to accommodate that drunk girls can have consensual sex. Furthermore this revelation must share a place in my brain with jokes about kangas and zuma's Aids shower cure. The idea that children have the capacity to find entertertainment in sex acts (to the point where they'll record and sell them online) is now as much a part of my digital revolution as the Ipad.

The sick poison of acceptance has begun its infection of my brain, and I feel helpless to stop it.

So NO mister lawyer man, you are wrong what occurred at Jules High School was rape, a societal rape...we were all raped as a nation. Raped of our morals, raped of our sense of compassion and ubuntu, raped of our sense of right and wrong and worst of all our children were long ago raped of their innocence and yes we did nothing to stop it...

and that is NOT okay! 

woman is the new black...

I love it when the universe conspires in such a way that all the cool like-minded people are on the same wave-length, some call it the zeitgeist. The current one eludes to the dawn of a new era for humanity. Along with the rise of new super powers and the coming African age, it appears that women have become the new black. Even business manuals now talk of the 'Feminine Power Principle' that embraces womanly leadership styles. Where in the past being emotive, sensitive and inclusive in the workplace was looked down upon, now CEOs worldwide are paying thousands for courses on how to release their inner warm and fuzzy.

For more on this trend see link below
psychologytoday.com asks are we entering the age women.

I'm no psychologist or business guru so i won't get onto the whole new world order trip, my main interest in the subject is in the way it's affected the male/female power dynamics in my own life and what that means for my unborn sons. With the rise in popularity of grooming lines for men, man-bags and guy liner it would appear that modern men want to be, er, women!? So as modern woman who have fought long and hard for the recognition of feminine things this is a trend that we should be grateful for, right?

singer, seal sporting on-trend nail varnish

pharrell and his man bag

The truth of the matter though is that women have been working so hard to fit into the male mould for so long that eventhough they appreciate the prospect of partners who can cook, change nappies and see the value of a facial, most don't actually know what to do with such a man once they have one. Take Victoria Beckham, poor girl's husband is so pretty that their marriage has turned into an episode of style wars - where Becks is winning by leaps and bounds against his now near skeletal plastic barbiesque partner. The hotter he gets the thinner she becomes, the more botox she gets and so the story continues...

For some women having a man who is sensitive or dresses well is intimidating. I for one love well-groomed guys, but then again I can totally get with the metrosexual backlash. Fact is if you want a stylish man you probably need to be an even more stylish lady. Further more if he's good looking you had better be prettier than he his, and don't you even think about slipping up in the grooming department! I have to admit that just looking at this year's GQ's Best Dressed Awards feature set me off on an insecure mani/pedi binge.

my faves:

Themba of Darkie

Tyrone, private banker

I mean if this is the modern man style barometer, where does that leave us the at-least-one-fashion-faux-par-a-week set. I'd need a whole new wardrobe, a stylist and a personal shopper to even begin to compete with these guys. In fact I know a lot of girls who'd rather have a guy who dresses like a Bloem farmer than one who shares your moisturizer. Don't even get me started with the ones who want to cry during The Pursuit of Happyness - now if we're both reaching for kleenex, who does the comforting? It's all just too confusing if you ask me.

So basically, next time you want to complain about how old-school gender roles have ruined your life think about this....without that macho male in your life you'd have to kill your own spiders and start your own braais and having done both i can tell you this mistresses - they really are jobs best left to men!

i whip it real hard...

super woman of the week goes to Willow Smith...just 'cause she's cool, talented, stylish and sweet at 9, yes 9 years old she undoubtedly has one of the hottest debut singles of the last few years. I couldn't even talk without a finger in my mouth when was 9!  So for that reason we celebrate her and no matter if its long short mistresses...do it, do it whip your hair! :)

...now lets hope that her parents don't screw her up like Joe did Michael...yes she's a performer but she also needs to be a kid, and it's Jada and Will's job to make sure she doesn't end up a Lilo or Britney!

i am the man i was supposed to marry...

Recently one of my close girlfriends said a pretty profound thing to me. We were discussing why so many successful women we know are single.

So she turns to me and says "well what can we expect, we're becoming the men we were supposed to marry!"

Since then every time some self important married or coupled person sympathetically poses that, "so why is a nice girl like you not snapped up yet" question (or any of it's hybrids), I turn smugly and retort "of course I'm taken - by myself." This is always met with some bewildered looks giving me the perfect opportunity to launch into my epic monologue. 

"I mean think about it, I'm smart, funny, successful, and ambitious. I love babies, never shout at waiters and I'm kind to animals. I pay the bills on time, take the trash out, always change the light bulbs the minute they go out, put the toilet seat down, pick up my socks, and I have GPS so I never have to get lost or get into an argument about not asking for directions. Basically I am the man I was supposed to marry."

Of course this statement is always met with that obligatory "ooooh". And it's always in that telling sing song tone that says, "shame, she's so unhappy and sad and poor thing doesn't even realise it." The conversation then awkwardly moves on to that girl who slept with her husband's best friend or someone's drug habit.

Truth is I don't expect anyone who has actually convinced themselves that they enjoy sharing a bed with another body to understand the vindication of finally being able to give a plausible layman's explanation for the case of the successful-single-girl (see my next blog for further insight into this growing phenomenon). 

You see pragmatic girls everywhere realised a long time ago that there were more fulfilling ways to spend your twenties than waiting for Mr Right, and that it was actually much easier to just become your own Knight in Christian Laboutins than to expect some guy to come save you. Since then an entire industry has cropped up telling girls that even if you are part of a super efficient species that can pay its own bills and sperminate its own eggs, you aren't really anyone until you have someone to love you, and thus the ammount of energy wasted by women in or nearing their 30s in the search of a penis (this can also be blamed for the rise in lip stick lesbianism).

The sad thing is that all this energy spent focusing on why women are single has totally eclipsed the real issue. I mean with these women becoming the perfect suitors where does that leave the guys?

The average guy knows that it requires true A-game to impress even an average girl nowadays. Never mind if you want the deluxe package with brains, her own car and a great rack. But instead of pushing guys to new heights it seems the challenge of this new woman has done the complete opposite. I won't tell you the number of times I've watched my guy friends clutching for their best game, only to be shut down by some smart mouthed girl who earns more money than they do. It's no wonder the modern man just doesn't even bother to try anymore. Who needs to be gentlemanly, faithful and decent when all you're good for is the occasional skype sex on a Saturday night?

So the more successful women get, the less men try and the more self reliant girls become, leaving the men with even less to do. So mistresses it is not the plight of the successful single girl that should worry us (because lets be honest we all know she's perfectly happy and capable of taking care of herself). The real problem facing modern society is the plight of the single man...  I mean how on earth are we going to solve the growing litter problem of smelly socks, and who is going to feed all these malnourished bachelors? This is the serious pandemic to consider.

we get it sex sells...

as a self confessed prude i have to admit to having climbed up on my proverbial high horse when i first heard the story of how 19-yr-old Montana Fishburne (daughter of award winning actor Laurence Fishburne)  was releasing a sex tape. To make matters worse the girl went on to reveal that one of her life-long dreams was to emulate the career of Kim Kardashian, and her first step to getting there was to become a world famous pornstar.

my daddy's a millionaire...can't you tell?

At first i was really shocked, trying to figure out how a beautiful girl like that with all those resources available to her could have gotten it so wrong...then i stopped and re-focused...and it occured to me that this was not actually that shocking or surprising...

Real talk: I can totally understand where she's coming from (it took me weeks to recover from the shame)

Fact is Montana's porn star antics may be an extreme scenario (after all she's allegedly a drug user who was also arrested for prostitution), but she does make a lot of sense. Why is it that we're all so shocked when a young girl says she wants to be a porn star, prostitute or stripper, yet the same society that chastises her is the same one that calls Lady Gaga doing a strip tease with a crucifix, art. As far as i can see the only difference between Montana's sex tape and Rihanna' Tea Mo video is packaging.

  
From Madonna, Marilyn Monroe and Pam Grier in Foxy Brown to Beyonce, Halle Berry even Miley Cyrus they've peddled a bit (or lot) of ass to get where they are, right? Only difference is that they've all been clever enough to package it in morally legitimate industries, and tied up in the bow of fashion and style - it becomes palatable, beautiful even.

So the lesson of the day mistresses is this: yes sex sells, but then again,  you can also get it on any street corner or at the click of a Youtube search. Sex is also a highly perishable item, so it will go mouldy, smelly and sour if exposed too often.  It dates quickly and it becomes harder to sell with age.

So basically the trick is to make sure that if you are going to be a sex dealer - keep your merchandise  fresh, move it quickly and strategically, and then get it off the shelf before the sell by date. Then if you're lucky enough to have an education, personality, or some shred of intergrity left you can convert your sexquity into a life of substance.

Or you could just try cultivating a talent instead of sex appeal...that works too. 

Kim & Amber the "sex for sale" heroines

TO THIS

FROM THIS

FROM THIS

TO THIS

super woman of the week

I've always admired Ferial Haffajee, current editor of City Press and former editor of Mail&Guardian. Her fiery spirit and leadership is admirable. Female newspaper editors like female presidents are like hen's teeth but like politics, newspaper journalism is an unforgiving, relentless and jealous master and a woman who can successfully head up not one but two major weekly news publications is a superwoman in my book.

I love a love song

Mesehell Ndegeocello came to me at the time when i first discovered love - that point when the balance between self love and love of another seemed tenious, and like most drama students this was the time when my affair with art and the creative spirit was still young, hot and steamy. 

This song defined that moment, today i yearn for that feeling. (and for my copy of Bitter that some guy i refused to sleep with stole...the irony gets to me every time).

today she finds her voice

As a journalist and writer many people have asked me why i don't blog. The fact is up until now i didn't have anything to say or any motivation or passion that i felt would allow me to add my mind farts to the world (and still be able to look at myself in the mirror the next day).  So i sat my ass down and let the mind-farters, stylistas, satorial-istas and relationship-nistas do their thang thang...

Until now...because today is the day that i realised that i do have a passion and that passion is women - and not in the creepy "i wanna do Angelina Jolie lady-love" way; what i really want is to give women, girls, ladies and our honorary male sistas the kind of advise that i never got, to teach the lessons that i never learned and best of all to share the secrets that i hope to never uncover.

And the title? You may ask....well that's simple...my bestie once asked me this question...

"we all know what happens to the virgin, the whore and the mother, but no one ever mentions the mistress...what happens to her...where do mistresses go to die...?"

...and we have yet to find an answer.


So this blog is dedicated to the virgin, the whore, the mother and yes the mistress...whose fate is yet to be determined.